I can not say that my weight ever made me shed a tear, or made me loose an hour of sleep (considering the health risks I take, I should, but that’s another story.) However, I am not comfortable with my size. I am not comfortable with my life style. I am not comfortable with shape. I am not comfortable with my level of strength and fitness. I am not comfortable that I use food as a form of self medication, or self-abuse if you will. I am not comfortable that instead of doing something that solves problems, I deal with it in the most un-effective way that will never lead to a single solution. I am not comfortable with how I treat my body like absolute dog shit, and then still expect from others to treat me with the respect I think I deserve. I need to build a better relationship with myself and with my body. It’s the longest lasting and most important relationship that I’ll ever have.

I can go through a long story why I got fat, how I got to a point where I didn’t know what the difference was between physical and emotional hunger. Just trust me that I do have that written down in a more private journal, it’s just not fit for publication on the internet. To make a long story short, I carry my pain on the outside. A lot of us have a drug of choice to medicate our pains, mine is food. And how I got fat is very simple……I ate every pound on my body, and I didn’t move enough to burn off the food I ate. Dieting has done nothing for me, except for making me loose weight after months of agony, and then adding the pounds back on (and then some) in only weeks of time. I have always suffered from the yoyo effect. Temporarily loosing weight because of: dieting, stress, having only 3 meals in a 20 hour day of working straight (and doing that days and weeks at end because I was a workaholic.) All that has done is increase my maximum weight. And that’s just the roller coaster my body was on, the emotional struggle involved followed around the same lines.

I can make a long story about genetics, metabolism, and how I do exersize and often om in better shape despite my weight than the average person. And even though all that may be true, it is still true that I ate every fat gram that attached itself to my hip. Period.

I don’t feel like my body is mine anymore. It doesn’t feel aligned with who I am, and what I have learned in the past years. After many sessions in therapy because of my burnout, I have become more efficient in terms of dealing with my problems. It has become clear that I foolishly for many years wrote cheques with my body, it couldn’t cash. Instead of tackling problems or dealing with them, I hid in various exesses most important of which work (and food.) Ultimately resulting in a burn out and chronic fatigue. Now that I have faced up towards some truths, and realizing self medication doesn’t help you deal with issues. This fat body belongs to the old me. Right now it is holding me back, it’s slowing me down, it’s displaying a pain I no longer feel. And it’s gotta go once and for all. It can not be done by dieting. It can not be done by a fast solutions. It can not be done on will power, because will power NEVER lasts. This time I need to do something different.

1. I need to unlearn self taught behavior in self medicating with food. I need to do different things with my problems, then trying to cover them in food.
2. I need to stop overeating, eating healthier, and eating balanced. This doesn’t mean I can never have ice cream again, it just means I can not have a whole bucket of icecream.

3. I need to get my body moving more. Sure I already bike and walk a lot, but if I want to improve my body, I need to do more.

(4) I have to do it in a safe and controlled way. As I am still recovering from a burnout, I am under strict orders that I can not do anything that exhausts me, just things that make me tired. As I deal with a lack of energy often, I really have to be careful and balance. And listen to my body.

I am not starting today! I know what you are thinking…..procrastination. No I am happy to report, I already started 2.5 weeks ago, exersizing daily, eating healthy in moderate portions. I also discovered that I need a little help in terms of how to tackle this with a non-will power and non-diet way. I noticed there are a wealth of books, but I just researched those books that deal with life style changes and psychology. Because all other methods I already have tried and failed at. I read “think thin, be thin”, a book I will re-read later. I am just starting Dr. Phil’s book: the ultimate weight solution. I know what you are thinking, Dr. Phil’s book? Yes it’s true that I do not like to watch the Dr. Phil show, because I can not stand to see or hear Dr. Phils wife and children (It’s phil that has the PHD and the name, not THEM!) But Dr. Phil does have a truthful get real attitude, and that’s just how I like it. OK, ok ok, I don’t really enjoy people getting painfully real with me, but it is the only way that I will listen. (Maybe not right away, maybe I will not admit it. But at 3 am in the morning, I will think about about what you said.)

Now I know what you are wondering. How heavy am I? To be honest, I haven’t been on a weight scale since 1988. I don’t know how much I weigh, or how much i should weigh. And though Dr. Phil hasn’t told me so (yet), I know I have to get real about that. Well truthfully, there isn’t much getting real about it, as I don’t even know how much I should weigh, or you or anyone else should weigh. For me it is like trying to get a feel for how warm 90 Fahrenheit is, while being used to celcius. I do know, it’s heavy. But, I figure I need to monitor my progress and after I am done monitor when I should take charge again. So I bought a weight scale today.

But I need to find batteries first……veeeeery slowly.